I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
you made out with another girl for some wings
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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