I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Randomize
