Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
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