I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Randomize
