I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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