I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
it's great music for shaving your balls
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
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