You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
