I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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