saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
True strength comes from lack of pants
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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