It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
Randomize
