Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Randomize
