On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
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