Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Randomize
