Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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