Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
You pole danced in your parka.
my poor anus
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
