I am spending my child support on dildos
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
