we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
