A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
Randomize
