I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I can't trust your balls anymore.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
