Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
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