She said her name was "party"
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
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