I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
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