I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Randomize
