I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
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