I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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