Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
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