I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
