guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
third nipple confirmed
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
