I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Found your dick twin last night
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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