I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
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