Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
I checked into jail on foursquare
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
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