I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
I am one with the molecules
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Randomize
