i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
Randomize
