I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
