I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Randomize
