I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
