At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Randomize
