the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
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