Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
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