i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Randomize
