I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
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