I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
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