And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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