I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
i'm going through the NYU 2014 group looking for future drunken hookups. too slutty?
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
you will always have a special place in my vag
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
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