You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
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