1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
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