Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
