If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
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