I seem to have left my pride at pride
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Randomize
