R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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