I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Randomize
