If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
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