i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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