Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize