i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Randomize
