My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Randomize
